Mastering the art of the solo dinner date
Advice and instructions for eating out alone from a seasoned expert.
The older I get, the more I realize that everybody is fucking miserable in December. It’s as dark as ever. Most breakups, statistically, occur two weeks before Christmas. Ahead of the holidays, people mourn their loved ones who couldn’t make it to Christmastime. Parents are worn thin trying to make the holidays memorable for their kids. And the end-of-year deadlines at work don’t make things any easier. There’s lots to be stressed or sad or angry about right now.
Whenever I’m feeling blue, I take myself out to dinner and eat alone. I’ve gotten quite good at this since living in New York. In fact, I can confidently say I’ve mastered the art of the solo dinner date. It’s one of those treats that immediately lifts my spirit because I hate being alone in my home, and it’s a commitment to being around other people without having to directly socialize, catch up, or hold a conversation for the entire night. Plus I get to eat something delicious and drink something nice.
There are certain ingredients that go into the success of a solo dinner. If you are feeling blue and trying to get the most out of this dinner, you’ll need to acquire as many of these ingredients as possible.
After compiling and writing this list, I can confidently say this is the greatest display of my neuroticism, as far as my writing goes. I’ve never felt more like Sally (from When Harry Met Sally) when she’s ordering her apple pie a la mode heated with the ice cream on the side and strawberry ice cream if you have it but if not then whipped cream but only if it’s real — none of that out of the can stuff. If it’s not real, then nothing.
Alas, my neuroticism is for a good cause, so I don’t care. Here we go.
Choosing the restaurant
If you don’t have a favorite restaurant you like to visit, I’d do some digging through food publications for restaurant openings and best lists (if you are interested in the hottest and newest), or I’d heavily consult Reddit for neighborhood spots (if you want the mainstays).
Ideally, this restaurant is in your neighborhood or nearby. The best restaurants for solo dinners should be at least half a mile away, but my favorite restaurant distance for a solo dinner is .7 miles away (I’ll explain my distance reasoning below).
I’d choose somewhere that’s small and cozy with bar seats. That’s the major key. You are going to eat at the bar. My calling for eating at the bar is the equivalent of Ina Garten calling for “good olive oil” in her recipes. It’s a non-negotiable and a game-changer. You need a restaurant with bar seats for eavesdropping on surrounding conversations with ease or striking up a conversation with your neighboring customers and making temporary friends. I also just hate sitting alone at a table where I’m staring across from no one. It makes me feel pathetic.
Another factor to look out for while you’re scouring for your spot is how good the service is. Search Google reviews to see if the waiters treat customers kindly. You’ll feel a lot better after the dinner if you have some warm exchanges with the person taking care of you.
Transit to the restaurant
You MUST walk to and from this restaurant. Walking there will relieve some of the sadness, anger, or confusion that’s taking you out to eat in the first place. You might have some time to reflect on those feelings alone ahead of your dinner. The restaurant’s distance should be at least half a mile but ideally .7 miles away because it will take you only ten minutes to walk half a mile but around 15 to walk .7 miles. Ten minutes is too short for processing and getting some of your grief out ahead of dinner — or realizing you feel better after dinner. 15 is just enough time, pre- and post-dinner to feel all the solo dinner feelings.
I do not recommend getting on a train, bus, or car. If you’re reading this from the suburbs and wondering, “Well how can I participate in this solo dinner if I don’t have a restaurant a mile away to walk to,” I guess I’d say that you can’t. The solo city dinner is one of the many reasons I love living in a metropolitan area with better zoning laws than the suburbs. Visit or move to a walkable city.
Seating at the restaurant
You are going to sit at the bar, but more specifically, in the middle of the bar. That way you’ll have people next to you for the aforementioned eavesdropping and mingling.
I sat in the third seat of a five-chaired bar last night. To my left, two old friends in their late 30s and early 40s were debating whether or not they wanted kids. To my right, two older men caught up. I later learned they attend school together, and one owns a puzzle company in the city — after one of them asked me about my Chicago hot dog phone screensaver.
Perhaps a bonus factor that makes the solo dinner better is being a good eavesdropper. Eavesdropping is one of my favorite pastimes. Anyway.
Order a drink or two
Something to take the edge off etc. etc. This also makes the 15-minute walk home feel more romantic.
To bring a book or to not bring a book?
No one brings a book to a busy restaurant to read it, unless you have a focus deeper and far greater than your distracted fellow man. You bring a book as a prop.
I like bringing the New Yorker to solo dinners because you can flip through it, read short or long articles, and dictate how much attention you’d like to give to the magazine. This is unlike a book whose story demands all of your attention. If you care about how much space your book will take up, a Kindle is far smaller and handier for tight bar seats.
My rule of thumb: books for unfocused meals and journals for focused meals. I can write wherever and find it much easier to do that while also being aware of the distractions around me, compared to a novel.
Be as kind as possible
Hopefully, you’re like this all of the time. If you aren’t, remember that no matter how shitty a month, week, or two hours you’ve had, somebody else could be having a shittier month, week, or two hours, too.
I take these dinners as an opportunity to play pretend. Your waiter doesn’t know about your recent breakup, the fight you had with your best friend, or your hard day at work. And maybe that’s a good thing. You can sit in this moment where you treat them kindly and they give that kindness back to you. Hell, you should also flirt with them. Squeeze as much love out of this interaction as you can. Say thank you. Tip them WELL. Especially if you plan on returning. You feel a lot better about yourself when you’re kind to strangers.
Get over yourself
If this is the first time you’re taking yourself out alone, it might feel weird. You might get overly self-conscious, especially if you’re the only person at the restaurant eating alone. Remember that, in the best way possible, nobody cares about you.
The energy you put out into the world is absorbed and received by those around you. So if you’re going out all insecure and slouchy and scared, people will treat you that way.
Eating food you didn’t have to cook, alone is one of life’s greatest joys. Once you get over the general discomfort of loneliness you’ll find security and pleasure in existing in the backdrop of other people’s lives.
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Thanks for reading. I hope you all get the chance to treat yourself to a nice solo dinner this month.